tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15161161775114199502024-02-19T20:15:01.765-05:00Apple Ear LifeRachel http://www.blogger.com/profile/05617493539051891447noreply@blogger.comBlogger57125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1516116177511419950.post-3322361302778611262023-12-31T22:37:00.000-05:002023-12-31T22:37:06.566-05:00Towanda!Each year, in early December, I gather with a group of women I consider sisters for an annual retreat. It's work related for my second job (it seems all educators have a second job), but it's also something I look forward to all year long. Yes, we work hard from 9:00AM to 5:00PM, but we also laugh, dance, sing, play, and connect outside of those work hours in a way you can only do Rachel http://www.blogger.com/profile/05617493539051891447noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1516116177511419950.post-3793879889643431412021-06-14T23:02:00.000-04:002021-06-14T23:02:23.862-04:00Triggers If I've learned anything in the last 3 years it's that I can't always predict my triggers (and that likewise, sometimes what I think will be a trigger doesn't have the impact I predicted). The world around me is slowly going back to some semblance of normal. Oh, and I've been seeing a really sweet guy for a little over a month now. So I guess I just wasn't thinking about Rachel http://www.blogger.com/profile/05617493539051891447noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1516116177511419950.post-12522000593957235202021-03-11T20:01:00.001-05:002021-03-11T20:01:08.345-05:00It's been a year...The rest of the world is very caught up in the fact that it's been a year since we really took notice of the pandemic and it began to impact our day to day lives. It's just 2 days shy of the last time all of my students were on campus together, and even though we're moving to all of our elementary students being on Plan A this coming Monday we'll still have a good number of kids who are Rachel http://www.blogger.com/profile/05617493539051891447noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1516116177511419950.post-85410986108385577822020-12-24T22:32:00.002-05:002020-12-24T22:32:19.219-05:00This Christmas2020 has been a hard year for the whole planet, as we all know. No one could've predicted that we'd spend most of it wearing masks, social distancing, worrying about friends and family, the list goes on and on. And so I frequently hear friends say that they're ready for this terrible year to be over so they can move on with their normal, everyday lives. And I wince. Rachel http://www.blogger.com/profile/05617493539051891447noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1516116177511419950.post-22395557243516021662020-10-14T23:33:00.000-04:002020-10-14T23:33:21.095-04:00Reframing "I am Enough"If you spend any time at all you've heard me say, "so I was listening to a podcast the other day and..." It's no secret that I love podcasts. My ideal ones are between 30 and 60 minutes, connect to things I know, tell me something I didn't know, and leave me reflecting and processing over the next several days. There are several that I listen to regularly (check out Hidden BrainRachel http://www.blogger.com/profile/05617493539051891447noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1516116177511419950.post-50475270235404105322020-10-06T00:02:00.003-04:002021-03-11T19:02:35.272-05:00The rest of the world is moving on, whether I'm ready or not... After months, dare I say years, of various friends, family members, and even my therapist telling me I should get a dog I finally caved. Just like getting a therapist I wonder why I waited so long. My little Sophie Girl is mostly mini dachshund but looks like she's got some chihuahua in her, too (especially her ears). She'll be 9 next month, but her owner died and the Rachel http://www.blogger.com/profile/05617493539051891447noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1516116177511419950.post-21999479556273880982020-09-06T15:10:00.005-04:002020-09-06T19:32:53.281-04:00Letting Myself GrieveTo the outside world it looks like I've been grieving for the last 2.5 years. I've expressed feeling sad. From time to time they see tears. I post on social media that it's hard on certain dates (anniversaries, birthdays, etc). I paint the picture of the perfect grieving widow.Which is why most of you would have been surprised to hear my therapist say to me, "Rachel, it's Rachel http://www.blogger.com/profile/05617493539051891447noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1516116177511419950.post-51676113147650362002020-08-23T13:01:00.001-04:002020-08-23T14:21:37.150-04:00Just a Number...They say that weight is just a number. I think it's a weighty topic (do you see what I did there?). It's one we all think about from time to time, but for some of us it's one that has a tremendous impact. I have been aware of my weight since middle school. At that point I was a healthy weight, but as I started to go through puberty and my body started to change I was Rachel http://www.blogger.com/profile/05617493539051891447noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1516116177511419950.post-17202965762701088362020-08-16T22:37:00.000-04:002020-08-16T22:37:14.286-04:00'Twas the Night Before School Starts Tomorrow is the first day of school.It will be the first day of my 22nd year of teaching. I cannot tell you how odd it feels to say that. If I'm perfectly honest, I have to admit that 22 years ago I thought I'd teach for 4 years. By that time I'd have paid off Teaching Fellows and in my head I'd be married and ready to start a family. So I anticipated a 4 year Rachel http://www.blogger.com/profile/05617493539051891447noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1516116177511419950.post-4863606925266359912020-08-15T23:14:00.002-04:002020-08-15T23:14:36.941-04:00The Doctor is In I don't know why I waited so long to start seeing a therapist. My Aunt Tammy frequently says that everyone should go to a therapist, and I've thought about one for years. Then when we got John's diagnosis I knew that we both probably needed to see therapists, but every time the clinic asked him John said he was fine, and I felt like I was too busy trying to work full time and Rachel http://www.blogger.com/profile/05617493539051891447noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1516116177511419950.post-89647933722802199542020-07-19T17:00:00.000-04:002020-07-19T17:00:49.137-04:00Facing the Unknown
One of the things that we say often when we train is that the brain is pattern seeking. By this we mean that our brains are constantly scanning the world around us, and when they can identify a predictable pattern we feel safe and secure. This is why we constantly stress the need for predictable patterns for children - in both their home and school lives. Without some sense of Rachel http://www.blogger.com/profile/05617493539051891447noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1516116177511419950.post-68755706047971700682020-06-02T22:10:00.000-04:002020-06-02T22:10:02.416-04:00what I can doLike so many of you I look at the state of the world around me, at the pervasive systemic racism, and I am heartbroken. I know that I'm privileged simply because of the fact that I had to be told how challenging daily life is for my black friends - it's not something that I've directly experienced. Back when Christine Blasey Ford shared her story of sexual assault I remember talking Rachel http://www.blogger.com/profile/05617493539051891447noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1516116177511419950.post-73190282222553551152020-05-22T01:18:00.000-04:002020-05-22T01:18:51.037-04:00classroom blues
I used to think there was nothing sadder than an empty classroom at the end of the year.
It's not something I really dealt with until 10 years ago. For the first 11 years of my career I worked in multi-track year-round schools. This meant that on any given day 3/4 of the school were on campus and 1/4 wasn't, allowing for the building itself to serve at 133% capacity. This Rachel http://www.blogger.com/profile/05617493539051891447noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1516116177511419950.post-26889055670438441832020-05-09T00:24:00.000-04:002020-05-09T04:37:45.490-04:00Stepping Forward
John bought his car, a 2008 Saturn Astra, in June of the year that we were "dating talking to each other on the phone every day". I listened to him talk about the process each night on the phone. Yes, it was a several day process, which is another way that he and I differed. I make decisions quickly, and once I've made up my mind that's it. However, John always had aRachel http://www.blogger.com/profile/05617493539051891447noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1516116177511419950.post-76511714099961539452020-05-05T19:10:00.000-04:002020-05-09T09:31:32.551-04:00because, HELLO, playlists!
Remember mix tapes? You know what I'm talking about. Back in the day my love of mix tapes started with ones I'd make for myself. I couldn't afford to purchase all the songs I wanted, but I sure could tape them off the radio. Of course, this required a certain skill set. First, you had to be on standby, listening for the slightest hint that a song you wanted might beRachel http://www.blogger.com/profile/05617493539051891447noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1516116177511419950.post-60828189754168871112020-04-28T18:19:00.000-04:002020-04-29T06:55:42.897-04:00Putting Myself Out There
As you may recall, I'm using this time of social distancing to work through some emotional healing. One of the things that I've struggled with for some time now is the thought of romantically moving on. It's actually something John talked very openly with me about - that he knew I could go through this life alone, but he didn't think I should. One of his biggest worries Rachel http://www.blogger.com/profile/05617493539051891447noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1516116177511419950.post-86879855210382322482020-04-19T19:02:00.004-04:002020-04-29T06:56:52.162-04:00Speaking My Truth Into Being
For some time now I've had a ritual that I do leading up to each of my birthdays. Each year I spend the month before my birthday telling myself that I'm getting ready to be (fill in the blank with whatever age is approaching). It started when I was approaching the age of 30. Everybody made such a big deal about how hard that particular birthday was for them, so I started prepping Rachel http://www.blogger.com/profile/05617493539051891447noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1516116177511419950.post-28865789397502802352020-04-07T22:32:00.001-04:002020-04-07T22:32:09.610-04:00Words Have Power
Shortly after John died I took to wearing words. Not loudly, like on a t-shirt, but in small, subtle ways that only I or anyone with whom I chose to share them would notice.
It started with a bracelet. A friend's daughter was making hand-stamped bracelets as a fundraiser. Without thinking too much about it I asked her to make me one saying "Psalm 30:11-12". Rachel http://www.blogger.com/profile/05617493539051891447noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1516116177511419950.post-71635166814137953592020-04-05T23:47:00.001-04:002020-12-24T21:53:17.501-05:00"But You Look Good, Rachel..."
I haven't written a post in over 15 months. I spent 11 months getting through all of the firsts without John - the first time my birthday came up (a week and a half after he died), my first trip (it felt very weird not to call him at the end of each day), his first birthday after his death (I still ate red velvet cake), starting the school year without him, giving out Halloween candy by Rachel http://www.blogger.com/profile/05617493539051891447noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1516116177511419950.post-2954050578556570992018-12-24T22:30:00.000-05:002020-05-05T22:15:18.033-04:00The Family that Chose Me
2018 has been a difficult year.
John's gone.
John's gone.
No matter how many times I say or type those words I just can't get used to them. But here it is, 8 and a half months later, and I'm still struck by the reality that he's not here.
And yet I've made it through the last 8 and a half months.
And so tonight I write just long enough to tell you that it's Rachel http://www.blogger.com/profile/05617493539051891447noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1516116177511419950.post-62303013572572315872018-12-09T07:25:00.001-05:002020-05-05T22:15:39.312-04:00Snow
I started to say that for so much of my past year I'd been hanging out with my buddy Anxious, but that wouldn't be an accurate depiction. In reality, Anxious and I have walked together throughout my life, he's just jumped on my back for a piggyback ride these last few years (yee-haw!). Many of you have even seen me physically carrying my Anxious Feeling Buddy™ with me - in my Rachel http://www.blogger.com/profile/05617493539051891447noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1516116177511419950.post-17715616006371831692018-12-04T21:30:00.001-05:002018-12-04T21:30:17.657-05:00How Are You Doing?
"How are you doing?"
It's a simple question that we ask many people in passing each day. Typically we give some version of "I'm well, and you?" then keep going.
For some time now I've not known how to answer that question. For the last several months people tend to either ask the question out of habit or do it in a very concerned manner - i.e. hand on my shoulder, tilted head, Rachel http://www.blogger.com/profile/05617493539051891447noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1516116177511419950.post-56288676273041392352018-10-14T14:57:00.001-04:002020-05-05T22:16:12.851-04:00Fire Pit Therapy
I'm always amazed at how quickly things can change here in NC. Half a week ago it was hot and humid, so muggy we joked at morning bus duty about being able to cut the air with a knife. Then Tropical Storm Michael passed, and since then we've had very comfortable afternoons with cool nights and mornings. I've never been one to like the heat, so I'm thoroughly enjoying our Rachel http://www.blogger.com/profile/05617493539051891447noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1516116177511419950.post-32781952557606140252018-10-08T21:49:00.001-04:002018-10-08T21:49:47.476-04:006 months' grief
6 months.
I can't believe it's been 6 months.
In some ways it seems it was just yesterday and in others it was a lifetime ago. But all day today I've played a morose game of "at this time 6 months ago":
John's eyes followed me around the room and he became restless if I had to step out for a minute
I had to call the Hospice nurse and ask for help because he was turning Rachel http://www.blogger.com/profile/05617493539051891447noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1516116177511419950.post-90940383316356185932018-07-21T11:03:00.000-04:002018-07-21T11:03:35.566-04:00A Letter to My Future (Now Present) Self
You may remember that back in February I anxiously boarded a plane and flew to Florida, worried about what I was leaving behind - my very sick husband who was waiting for my return so he could have surgery. He had encouraged me to go, knowing that CD2 was just what I needed, that the level of personal reflection and growth would get me through the months to come. To this day I think Rachel http://www.blogger.com/profile/05617493539051891447noreply@blogger.com2