Friday, February 16, 2018

Hello Anxious My Old Friend

Back in October I stepped out in faith and applied to attend the Conscious Discipline Advanced Institute (CD2).  I felt a knot in my stomach as I completed each section of the application, not knowing if I'd be accepted, if I could afford to go, and where we'd be in John's journey with cancer.  Finally I moved my fingers away from the keyboard, took a breath, looked up and said, "God, You know where I need to be and when I need to be there.  So I'm trusting you.  If this is the time for me to do this I need you to spell it out for me.  If your answer is 'wait', I'll wait." 

And then I clicked submit.

At the time I felt like the answer was clear.  Not only was I accepted, but within 3 days various people (friends, family, parents of students, total strangers) had pitched in to raise the funds needed for the registration and my flight.  My parents agreed to come stay at the house with John while I was gone.  My team agreed to hold things down at school.  I excitedly began preparing for my trip.

But that was 4 months ago.  Little did I know what these last 2 weeks would bring:

  • I didn't know that we'd spend all of January struggling with John's insurance company trying to get things straightened out, or that once we did we'd spend 5 out of the next 7 days going to appointments for all of the things that had been on hold while we waited.  
  • I didn't know that while John was checking into one hospital (it was easier for us to do his blood transfusion overnight than for me to miss another day of work) my mother would be checking into another where she'd stay for a week little over a week.  
  • If I didn't know that she'd be in the hospital, I certainly didn't know that she'd need to do a week or more of rehab, and therefore wouldn't be able to stay with John.
  • I didn't know that John's doctors would choose this time to start talking about giving him an ostomy, nor did I know that they'd suggest doing it while I was out of state...
  • Which also means that I didn't know that I'd miss 4 days of school for this trip, just to turn around and miss more for his surgery when I get back.
And that's when Anxious moved back in.

Hello Anxious.  It's been a while since we've hung out this much, but this week you and I have BONDED.  You sat on my desk while I taught my classes (one 1st grader even checked each day to see if he was still there).  You stayed by my laptop while I worked on my CD2 presentation.  You rode in my backpack when I picked up John from the hospital.  You even hitched a ride in my purse to fly down here to FL (I'm sure airport security got a kick out of seeing you on their scanners).  

But you know what, Buddy?  Because I've been practicing my Conscious Discipline skills I know that your message tells me to focus on the present and seek more information.  So having you here helps me to know that I can handle this.  And I'll just keep taking it one day at a time.  Clearly this - sitting right here on the bed in the retreat center getting ready to start my CD2 journey - is exactly where I'm supposed to be.  I've got friends back home who are watching out for John.  I've got other friends who are here with me.  I'm going to be present in the moment and grow, trusting that I'm safe in my Father's hands.  

But, hey Anxious?  You can still stay in my purse right next to me!

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