Putting Myself Out There

As you may recall, I'm using this time of social distancing to work through some emotional healing.  One of the things that I've struggled with for some time now is the thought of romantically moving on.  It's actually something John talked very openly with me about - that he knew I could go through this life alone, but he didn't think I should.  One of his biggest worries that he was most vocal about in those last days was that he was leaving me alone and that he wouldn't be able to take care of me.  I know this concept sounds archaic to some of you, but he didn't mean it in a "you can't possibly take care of yourself, Rachel" kind of way.  For 10 years he had experienced my stubborn determination to try to do everything by myself, but he also knew I was much healthier when I could pass some of those tasks off to him.  His first promise to me when we got married was that he'd take care of the lawn (I guess seeing me sneeze my head off for 48 hours after mowing confirmed that I wasn't making up my grass allergies).  He took care of my car - I'd often find him changing the oil in the driveway, switching the spark plugs, etc.  In winter he'd go scrape my windshield on icy mornings before I left for work.  These were just a few of the ways that John took care of me.  And while I can do these things on my own (or rather, pay somebody to do them - let's be realistic here) trying to juggle it all has lead to a very overwhelmed Rachel.  Guess what overwhelmed Rachel does?  She seeks connection.  And John, as with most things that I couldn't see for myself, saw this coming.  So he urged me to be open to finding someone.

For two years I wasn't ready.  I'd listen to people around me talk about how they'd found THE ONE, their TRUE LOVE, their SOUL MATE and all I could think was, "I had that and now it's gone.  Do I only get one turn?  Do I only get one ride on the carousel of love?"  Because here's the thing - remember my sense of not-enoughness?  It lead to me telling myself that it was amazing that John could love me like he did - what are the odds of it happening again?

For the last several months I've thought about looking for someone, specifically through online dating.  And for months I put it off.  But then about 3 weeks ago I decided it was time.  I created a profile.  I pushed submit.  And all of a sudden I'd put myself out there.

So let's talk about online dating.  In the last few weeks I've realized a few things as I've dipped my toe into this virtual world.  Women put way more thought into their profiles than men do.  Here I am trying to sound like my witty, humorous self and what I'm seeing in return is "I'm new to online dating.  Let's give this a try.  Msg me if you want to know more."  Know more?  Anything is more than nothing!  What part of that was supposed to pique my interest?  In that same vein, I deserve a guy who's going to put at least a little bit of effort into this thing.  If you're only posting one picture and one word answers to questions that's not you.  Likewise, if you initiate contact with "hi" and continue to respond with one and two words answers to my return messages then it's also not you.  

I know, I know, you're probably saying, "Rachel, you're being w-a-a-a-y too picky!"  And for a while I would've agreed with you.  But then I realized that if I can tell that I'm not the one for you we probably shouldn't waste each other's time.  What are some of those indicators?

• If one or more (?!?!) of your profile pictures is you holding up the fish you caught then I'm not the girl for you.  You would be AMAZED at how many fish pictures are out there.  "But Rachel, they're just showing you their hobbies," you say.  I hear you.  But it'd be the same as me posing with a half finished crochet project.  What, that's not sexy to you?  Neither is that fish.  
• If you're telling me that you work out at least once a day, the gym is your favorite place to be, and you're hoping we can go hiking and rock climbing together then I'm not the girl for you.  Have you looked at me?  Do I look like I go trail running?  Why are you even reaching out?
• If your proudest accomplishment is that you wash your truck every day I'm not the girl for you.  Seriously, I can't make this stuff up.
• If you're looking for someone to stay home and be your housekeeper I'm not the girl for you.  If there's anything I've learned during this pandemic it's that I'm not cut out to stay at home.  
• If you start with "so, you teach dance?  have you ever been a dancer?" I'm not the girl for you.  You either don't understand education (how can I teach dance if I've never done it?) or you're getting ready to imply that being a dancer has somehow meant that I've been a stripper at some point in my life.  I've heard it all before, buddy, and neither option works for me.
• If you post 4 pictures and 3 of them are from when you were in high school I'm not the girl for you.  We all looked better in high school.  But I'm not potentially dating your high school self, I'm potentially dating you.  I've got enough insecurities for the both of us.  

But I've also realized some things about myself over the last few weeks.  I deserve something good.  I deserve someone who excels at banter and isn't put off by my occasional teasing and sarcasm.  I need someone with whom I can watch bad reality TV but also discuss the arts.  I need someone who is as excited as I am that I'm learning to play the ukulele and doesn't mind the hour or so I'm spending each night playing along with easy ukulele YouTube videos.  I need someone who is proud of me.  I need someone who will push me to be my best self, not try to make me fit into their preconceived notion of who I should be.  

I deserve love.

I guess I've realized I'm not going to find that on a dating site.  It's going to be something I stumble upon, just like I did before.  I didn't settle then and I won't now.  

I just wish I'd realized it before I paid for 3 months of access to this dating site.