Speaking My Truth Into Being

For some time now I've had a ritual that I do leading up to each of my birthdays.  Each year I spend the month before my birthday telling myself that I'm getting ready to be (fill in the blank with whatever age is approaching).  It started when I was approaching the age of 30. Everybody made such a big deal about how hard that particular birthday was for them, so I started prepping myself for it ahead of time.  It started with "next month I'm turning 30." Then it transitioned to "I'm about to be 30" and "when I turn 30." You get the idea. But because I'd spent a month saying it out loud when 30 came along I welcomed it like an old friend.  I actually loved being 30. My 20s had been so crazy, and 30 felt like an opportunity to grow into the adult I was meant to be, rather than something to be dreaded.  

And so I've done that every year since.  I spend a good chunk of March and the beginning of April each year prepping for a new age.  It's expanded beyond just telling myself - I bring it up throughout conversations with everyone around me.  I'll say it when I'm teaching - a kid will question something and I'll say "I'm about to be 43, I think I can handle it." While I'm presenting to a group I'll say, "I'm turning 43 soon and I'm still learning!"  You get the idea. Because then it doesn't feel like a shock to reach that new number, it feels like an honor. And after losing my husband and mother back to back I now truly celebrate each year that I get to spend on this earth.

But I've taken it further than just birthdays.  Remember my post about wearing words that feel empowering to me?  I now feel like if I say something enough, truly speak it out loud, it rings true. So I've spent the last two years telling myself "I'm strong/stronger." When I start to doubt my intelligence I'll declare "I am SMART." "I'm a #%$ good teacher and presenter" comes out of my mouth regularly right now.  And the one I tell myself the most?

"I.  AM. ENOUGH."  

So while the rest of the world is using this imposed global quarantine to physically heal from COVID-19, I'm using it to emotionally heal.  From the last two years since John died. Or the 4.5 years since his diagnosis. Or a lifetime of self doubt and not-enoughness. I've been told I have a new glow.  And I think it comes from speaking my truth into being.