Stepping Forward

John bought his car, a 2008 Saturn Astra, in June of the year that we were "dating talking to each other on the phone every day".  I listened to him talk about the process each night on the phone.  Yes, it was a several day process, which is another way that he and I differed.  I make decisions quickly, and once I've made up my mind that's it.  However, John always had a hard time making decisions and this was no exception.  He hemmed and hawed back and forth between this and another car, then finally settled on this one after several days of going back to the car lot.  I'm sure they cringed every time they saw him pull up.  

On a side note, he did the same thing when he bought my ring - went back to the jeweler for weeks every day during his lunch break and kept looking at the same ring.  He said they were SHOCKED the day he came in and said he wanted to buy the ring, not just visit it.  

On another side note, John always said that I was the one decision he never had to think about - he knew he wanted me from that first chat.  

But eventually he bought the Saturn Astra.  When he moved here in March '09 he backed the Saturn up to the front door of his dad's house (where he was living at the time - long story, short version, he moved in to help out his dad after his mother died a few years prior to me meeting him), opened the hatch, threw his stuff in, and then drove to NC.  Seriously, when I saw the car there were piles of clothes in the hatch along with his CDs and Playstation 2.  We carried it all into the house by the armful and that was it, he was moved it.

Over the 9 years that we were married John drove and loved that car.  The man loved to just take off down a road "to see where it goes."  Many a Saturday he'd look at me and say, "let's go for a ride."  I never knew where we'd end up and it was always an adventure.  For example, in September of 2015 I wrote:

John and I left the house at 8:30 this morning to go get breakfast. My phone was almost dead, so I left it charging. Little did we know that we wouldn't get home until 7:30 tonight. Breakfast in Apex lead to driving through Harnett County, which lead to window shopping at Home Depot in Fuquay-Varina, which lead to driving through Southern Wake County, which lead to driving down 64W, which lead to going down 49 to Concord, which lead to eating Cajun food at Razzoo's, which lead to shopping at Bass Pro, which lead to getting slurpees at Seven-11, which lead to searching for the Pisgah Covered Bridge, which lead to driving home. I love that I never know what adventures my sweet husband will take me on!

Unfortunately, one of the side effects of his chemo was neuropathy, and that meant he reached a point during treatment where he couldn't feel the gas and break pedals with his feet anymore.  So then I insisted that he stop driving for the most part (was I being unreasonable?  I don't think so).  And we mostly drove my car everywhere.

But my car was unreliable.  It had issues and there's a reason I had AAA.  So one Saturday we took off on one of our unplanned adventures and several hours later ended up in Fayetteville.  Dad had just bought his truck and was so over the moon about it, so John said, "well, while we're here why don't we go by your parents' house and see your dad's new truck?"  They were excited to see us and Dad got to take us for a ride in the truck.  When we were getting ready to leave a bit later Mom said, "Well, your dad's got the new truck.  So I'm gonna start driving the grey car.  Would you like to have Jane?"

Who's Jane, you ask?  Jane is a black '98 Honda Passport.  My mom had inherited her from a friend/co-worker who died of cancer and decided my mom needed her car.  Jane only had 107,000 on her at the time, despite it being 2017, and was in much better shape than my Grand Am.  So that day I drove Jane back to my house and John followed in his Astra.  After that Jane was mine.

I liked driving Jane, largely because I liked sitting up higher in traffic.  But that meant we had 3 cars in the driveway (the Astra, the Grand Am, and the Passport), and there wasn't really room for any guests to park.  So after letting the Grand Am sit parked for a good 6 months John arranged to donate it.  I was just happy not to have to deal with it.  When I left for work that day the car was parked in the driveway, when I came home it was gone.  

Then John died in 2018.  That night we had to move all of the cars out of the driveway so the hearse could get in.  John's dad mentioned having trouble getting into John's car and then getting it to crank.  I wasn't surprised.  It had sat for a few months so I'm sure the battery was dying.  But I didn't think about it until the following Wednesday.  That day Becca and Angela helped me do the first wave of going through John's stuff.  The big issue was the office (the room I'm teaching from now).  There was stuff EVERYWHERE.  John would just throw stuff in there that he didn't want to deal with.  Stacks and stacks of unopened mail.  More tools than any person has any business possessing.  CDs on CDs on CDs.  And Becca and Angela spent the bulk of the day helping me sort it.  I'd stand in the middle of the room and they'd hold stuff up for me to see, then I'd point to where it would go - trash, recycle, shred, donate, keep.  Once we'd made headway in that room we moved out to John's car.  He'd formed a horrible habit of just throwing things in the backseat of his car - trash, CDs, books, notebooks, receipts, etc.  So first we opened the hatch (it was unlocked for some reason) and spent about an hour going through everything back there.  Then we tried to open the driver side door.  No go.  The remote key wasn't working, so I tried putting the manual key in the lock and turning it.  Nothing.  And the passenger side door didn't have a lock.  So we could get in and out of the hatch, but couldn't open the doors.  At that point I was mentally and physically exhausted, so we stopped for the day.

Next up?  What do I do with the car?  Because I can't drive a stick shift, even if I can get into the @#$& thing.  Which I couldn't.  And then there's the issue of the title being in John's name.  I wish I'd thought to have him sign it over to me before he died, but I guess I was too busy dealing with Hospice, making his arrangements, and tending to John to even think about the car.  I talked to a parent at school who is a lawyer and she said she'd go with me to to appropriate office to do the paperwork to get John's car signed over to me.  But that seemed like a lot of effort that I wasn't ready to put in.  And that was the first summer that I did a bunch of traveling so that (unbeknownst to me at the time) I wouldn't have to face facts.  And so I kept putting it off.  And then I was annoyed that I had to do all of that work just to donate a car.  And needless to say it's 2 years later and the Astra is still sitting in my driveway.  

Last summer Jane proved to also be unreliable, so at the end of July I took myself to the car lot and bought a new (to me) 2018 Santa Fe Sport.  I love my car.  I mean, I really love my car.  I haven't named him yet (because I do believe cars should have boy names, even if Mom did name Jane after the woman who gave her the car which I think is very weird but she didn't ask me).  I've driven all over NC in him, mountains to coast.  And I feel safe and comfortable.  So since the end of July I've had 3 cars sitting in my driveway.  

You read that right.  3 cars for 1 me.

A month ago I contacted Habitat for Humanity about donating Jane.  I need space in my driveway.  I had to get the title notarized (a neighbor helped) and send it off.  2 nights ago I got a call from the manager of the tow truck company that would be hauling Jane away.  It was certainly an interesting conversation.

Phone rings.  I don't recognize the number, so I don't answer it.  Shortly after I get notified that there's a voicemail and I listen.  It's someone calling to arrange to tow away Jane, so I return the call.  He answers with:

Him:  I know, I know, I should've called from my other phone.

Me:  I just don't answer calls from numbers I don't know, that's all.

Him:  I don't either, and I run a business.  It's probably not a very good plan.

Me:  Laughing.  So you're calling to arrange to tow the car I'm donating?

Him:  Yes, young lady.  A Honda Passport.  Does it still run?  Or did it die?

Me:  Oh, it died.  And why are you calling me young lady?

Him:  Because you're definitely younger than me.

Me:  How do you know how old I am?  You don't know.

Him:  Trust me.  I can tell by your voice.  It's cute.  You're young.  Now about that Passport.  Do you think it would crank if we jump started it?

Me:  I don't know.  

Him:  When was the last time you drove it?

Me:  Last July.

Him:  That'll do it.  Is there air in the tires?

Me:  Yes, there is definitely air in the tires.  

Him:  Good.  That makes it easier for my guys.  Because some of my drivers just aren't the brightest.

Me:  I'm a teacher, I can handle it.

Him:  Good.  So you're a teacher?  What grade do you teach?

Me:  I teach dance at a magnet elementary school, kindergarten through 5th grade.

Him:  Woah.  You teach dance at a public school?

Me:  Yeah, you've not heard that one before, have you?

Him:  Sounds interesting.  My sister-in-law teaches Spanish in Buffalo.  I gotta say, I've got a lot of respect for anyone willing to be a teacher.

Me:  Thank you.  Now about the Passport.

Him:  Yeah, I'll send someone over later this week.  I'm looking at the map right now.  You're at (insert my address here).

Me:  Yep, that's me.

Him:  According to the satellite photo your other car is a gold Grand Am.  

Me:  It was when the picture was taken.  But it's been gone for a few years now.  

Him:  What are you driving now?

Me:  A Santa Fe. 

Him:  Good, that's a safe one.  Can't have you getting stranded.  Just make sure you keep the oil changed.

Me:  Oh, don't worry, I'm really good at paying someone else to change the oil.

Him:  Laughing.  And it looks like you needed to mow the grass.

Me:  Yeah.  That picture was probably taken while my late husband was doing cancer treatment, so mowing wasn't exactly a priority.

Him:  That's understandable.  So I'll do you a favor and make the car disappear.

Me:  You're my new hero.

Him:  I don't know about all that.  Why would that make me your hero?

Me:  Because you'll be getting one of the cars out of my driveway.

Him:  Wait.  How many cars are in your driveway?  Just 2, right?

Me:  3.

Him:  3 cars?  For just you?

Me:  Yes.  The Santa Fe.  The Passport.  And my late husband's car.

Him:  What kind of car?

Me:  A Saturn Astra.  It's the 2 door hatch back they made for one year before they folded. 

Him:  Are you driving it?

Me:  No, It hasn't been driven since the night he died.

Him:  And how long ago was that?

Me:  2 years.

Him:  What do you want to do with it?

Me:  Honestly, I just want it gone.  Friends have tried to tell me to sell it or give it to someone, but I just want it gone.  

Him:  I can take care of that for you.  Do you want me to have that car picked up when they get the other one?

Me:  Oh my gosh, could you do that?  I mean, the catch is that the paperwork is still in his name.

Him:  I can do that.  For you, I can do that.  I just need the title and the key.  

Me:  Oh my goodness, now you really ARE my hero!

Now, I may be joking about the  guy being my hero, but you cannot believe the sense of relief I felt as I watched the cars get loaded on the tow truck today.  Every day for 2 years I've looked at John's car through the living room window or walked past it as I left for work, thinking that if could take it apart piece by piece and haul it away I would.  Looking out the window and seeing the cars gone felt like the weight of the world had been lifted off my shoulders.  

I'm taking big steps these days.  But I'm not stepping away from John, I'm just stepping toward my future.  And you know what?  That's what he would want.