The rest of the world is moving on, whether I'm ready or not...

 After months, dare I say years, of various friends, family members, and even my therapist telling me I should get a dog I finally caved.  Just like getting a therapist I wonder why I waited so long.  My little Sophie Girl is mostly mini dachshund but looks like she's got some chihuahua in her, too (especially her ears).  She'll be 9 next month, but her owner died and the family needed someone to take her.  It's been a perfect fit.  She and I are grieving together.  She's very snuggly, but especially when I'm feeling sad.  She's the balm this broken heart needs as I work on healing.  

So this weekend Sophie and I packed up and drove 3 hours to visit my sister and her husband.  They wanted to meet her and I just wanted to spend time with them.  On the way there I followed my GPS which insists on having me drive the interstate all the way there, but on the way back I decided it was worth the 10 extra minutes to drive the back roads through small towns.  John and I always drove that way, and there were some stretches of road that we thought were absolutely breath-taking.  I look back and smile thinking about driving down highway 24 dreaming of buying a certain older house we'd pass and fixing it up, stopping at a state park to show him where we frequently camped when I was a child (on our first camping trip Becca and I both got chewed out because she sat on a cooking grate she thought was a chair and I let her do it - she was 3 and I was 8), and John pointing out all of the small town O'Reilly stores that he'd helped set up while he worked in management for the company.  

Imagine my disappointment - dare I say distress - at finding it all changing.  That beautiful stretch of road?  They're widening it, so it's all ugly red clay and construction trucks right now.  The old houses?  The highway now bypasses that town, so I didn't get to see them.  And truth be told, I cried as I passed every O'Reilly's location.  

You see, this week it will have been 2.5 years since John died.  2 weeks later it will be 12 years since John walked into the room, handed me a small box, and said, "I've got something for you."  I was my engagement ring.  And this is what I'm realizing.  Throughout the year there will be constant dates that remind me that he's not here.  My brain seems to be stuck on that, on the constant big feelings that correspond to those dates.  But the highway is widening.  The town gets bypassed.  The layout of the stores has changed.  

The rest of the world is moving on whether I'm ready or not...