This Christmas

2020 has been a hard year for the whole planet, as we all know.  No one could've predicted that we'd spend most of it wearing masks, social distancing, worrying about friends and family, the list goes on and on.  And so I frequently hear friends say that they're ready for this terrible year to be over so they can move on with their normal, everyday lives.  And I wince.  

This year has been challenging.

It's been difficult.

It's not been the worst year of my life (2018 takes that prize, with 2015 a close second).  And I'd definitely say that the struggles haven't been limited to just one calendar year.  During a meeting a co-worker mentioned that this year has been very chaotic and disruptive.  And without thinking I said that the last 5 years of my life have been chaotic.

5 years.  

5 years ago we'd just received John diagnosis.  He'd started chemo.  I wondered if it'd be our last Christmas together.  

4 years ago John had completed chemo and radiation only to find out a few months later that the tumor was growing again and he needed to go back on chemo much sooner than they'd anticipated.  By this point in the year he'd lost his hair.  Yet again I wondered if it'd be our last Christmas together.

3 years ago John was yet again doing chemo.  I was still taking care of him AND teaching full time.  Friends had stopped inviting us to things because they got tired of my response of "it depends on how John is feeling."  Once again I wondered if it'd be our last Christmas together.  I could tell John did, too - he got me everything he thought I wanted and started trying to fix things around the house (it was his attempt at making sure I'd be taken care of after he was gone).  

It actually was our last Christmas together.

2 years ago was my first Christmas after John.  My sister and brother-in-law knew that I couldn't pretend everything had gone back to normal, so they took me to Myrtle Beach for several days.  I knew it upset Mom that we weren't with her, but I just couldn't go back to what Christmas had been like before John - it felt like erasing the decade of my life with that I'd spent with him.  We found out shortly before our trip that it would most likely be Mom's last Christmas.

It was.

1 year ago was my first Christmas without Mom.  She'd died 11 months after John.  We spent Christmas with Dad, guessing that was what he needed.  It felt awkward.  Christmas had always been Mom's favorite time of year, and even though we were doing the same things they felt odd without her (see?  this is why I needed the first Christmas without John to be different).  

This year we've had a pandemic.  We were making strides toward controlling the spread of the virus, but then we all got a little too complacent and numbers started rising again.  They're now higher than they've ever been.  I always assumed I'd be exposed at some point and need to quarantine, I just never thought it would happen the weekend before Christmas.  So now instead of seeing my sister I'm spending Christmas alone for the first time in my life.

And you know what?  It feels odd.  It definitely feels lonely.  But when I look over the year that's been 2020, lonely seems like the word that epitomizes it.  It's hard not to feel bitter when others complain about having to quarantine with their families and loved ones.  I wish I had someone with whom to quarantine.  I wish I had someone to help me figure out what's wrong with the dishwasher that hasn't worked since just before we shutdown schools.  When your love language is physical touch it's hard living on your own, and even harder to not be able to give hugs when your students finally come back to school.  I miss having someone to talk to who's in the same room instead of on the phone or a computer screen.  I miss falling asleep in someone's arms.  And it sounds childish, but I hate knowing that there's not going to be a gift under the tree for me to open tomorrow morning.  

So yes, 2020 has been lonely.  And yes, it's been a hard year.  But I meant it today when I told someone that I'd love for 2021 to be calm and boring.  Because the last 5 years have been hard enough.