It's been a year...

The rest of the world is very caught up in the fact that it's been a year since we really took notice of the pandemic and it began to impact our day to day lives.  It's just 2 days shy of the last time all of my students were on campus together, and even though we're moving to all of our elementary students being on Plan A this coming Monday we'll still have a good number of kids who are taking part in our Virtual Academy.  

But this isn't why I'm writing.  If you want to read about how disappointed everyone is that it's a year later and we're still struggling through this pandemic just go look at your social media feeds.  Me?  I want to talk about how I've grown in the past year.

• I've learned to teach my classes via an online platform.  And I think I'm doing a pretty darn good job of it.  It's caused me to be much more clear and deliberate in my instructions.  I've really focused on the curriculum and how I'm assessing my students' mastery of content objectives.  I've found new ways for my students to share their work (breakout rooms are great for getting feedback from a peer, and flipgrid.com provides a nonthreatening way for my dancers to share their choreography projects).  I've dug into what I already knew, but now I see it applies even in a different setting - kids need structure and predictable patterns.  I've learned that it IS possible to connect with kids through a digital medium.  Let's face it, at year 22 of my teaching career I might have needed to shake things up a bit, and this year has done just that.
• I got a therapist.  I've already written about it here, but I'll just say that it's amazing to spend 1-2 hours every other week talking to someone who isn't judging me or trying to fix things for me, but is just listening as I process my feelings.  I've also dug deep with her by doing EMDR, a form of therapy designed to help those dealing with trauma (because trauma gets stuck in the body, often leading to unconscious physical reactions to triggers, but EMDR helps to get that trauma moving out of the body - yes, I know I've oversimplified a very complicated concept).  
• I adopted a dog.  And she's the perfect dog for me!  My Sophie is a Chiweenie (chihuahua/dachshund mix) and is just sassy enough to match my own sassiness.  My sister says she loves watching the 2 of us together.  We love to snuggle, go for rides in the car, and walk around the block.  And somehow her little 18lb self manages to push me over so she can sleep in the middle of the bed each night.  
• I started dating.  Before you ask, yes, it's different/difficult/awkward to date in a pandemic.  You're greatly limited on where that first date can happen.  And as my friend Zach was quick to point out, when you meet you can't tell if the person has boogedy teeth since they're wearing a mask (trust Zach to fixate on this detail).  You  end up talking through things you just took for granted before.  "Can I hold you hand?"  "Are we going to hug?"  "When did you last get a Covid test?"  "How big is your bubble?"  And that's just within the first few minutes.  But I can also say that it's helping me determine what I do and don't want.  You'd think I'd already know that, having met, married, and lost John.  But what I'm realizing is that dating in my 40s is much different from dating in my 20s.  I don't feel the need to rush - the marriage and babies ship has sailed.  I'm taking the time to figure out what I want for my life in general right now, why not take the time to figure out what I want in a relationship?  (Hint:  It's still not someone who has a picture with the fish they caught on their dating profile.)  
• I've learned to replace the hardwired smoke detector at the end of my hallway.  And how to properly prep and paint walls (not just slapping paint up there like I did 19 years ago).  And how to figure out what kind of lightbulb to order for the ceiling fan in the kitchen (that one was trickier than it should have been).  And any number of other things I've learned to do around the house.  
• I've started learning to love myself.  I'm not just enough, I'm MORE than enough!  I am beautiful.  My flaws are perfectly imperfect.  I am too amazing not to feel good about myself.  I am "flawsome" - I embrace my flaws and know that I'm awesome regardless.  I am fierce, strong, brave, and both loving AND loveable.  I am stronger than the storm.  
• I'm still grieving.  I think I'll always be grieving.  The grief I feel for John doesn't go away or lessen, it just changes.  I still don't feel like I've properly begun to grieve Mom.  And I've lost 3 former students in the last 3 weeks, 4 in the last 6 months.  My heart hurts when I think about a world without these people.  But I'm so very thankful for the friends (and therapist!) who hold space for me and let me talk through my grief.  

It's been a year.  While it's not what we expected, we also can't truthfully say that it's been a bad year in all ways.  In some way, it's been a very good year.