A Letter to My Future (Now Present) Self

You may remember that back in February I anxiously boarded a plane and flew to Florida, worried about what I was leaving behind - my very sick husband who was waiting for my return so he could have surgery.  He had encouraged me to go, knowing that CD2 was just what I needed, that the level of personal reflection and growth would get me through the months to come.  To this day I think he knew he wouldn't be with me much longer, that I'd need to dig deep in preparation for his loss.  

It was toward the end of my time in Florida and following a particular challenge that I was encouraged to write a letter to myself, to be mailed at someone unknown future date.  I received my letter at the end of the school year, read it, cried, and tucked it away.  Today while cleaning off my desk I found it again and am sharing it now with you:

Dear Rachel - 

You learned a lot about yourself today.  You learned that you spend your time worrying about the future instead of living in the present.  Enjoy the now.  You don't want to miss it while you're anxiously looking ahead.  You learned that you are capable of doing more than you think.  Sometimes you set your goals so low ("I just want to get past the sign") that you're not stretching yourself.  You learned if you'll just start the task you'll do more than you realize -> you have a profound impact on the world around you.  Know it, own it, and don't be ashamed to soar.  You learned to trust your own voice.  Others (the instructor) may think they know what you need to hear, but you know yourself better, you know your needs.  Ignore those other voices and zone in on the ones that are helpful (you'll be forever grateful to Abbi).  You learned to focus on one step at a time.  Instead of trying to reach for everything just put your foot on the rock (and while you're there, keep your foot on The ROCK).  You can do hard things, you can do big things, and you are amazing for it.

And so I look back on these words feeling a mix of emotions and yet knowing that I'll lean on this letter for years to come.  I'll always be thankful for the time, no matter how short, that I had with John.  He taught me what it is to love and be loved in return.  In his last few days he told anyone who would listen that his only concern was for me and my well-being.   He had so much faith in me and hope for my journey.  

And so it is with John in mind that I find myself taking an unexpected next step.  I've been invited to be a Conscious Discipline Certified Instructor.  Over the next 3 years I'll be guided and mentored to be first a coach and then eventually a trainer within the Conscious Discipline family.  I'm trusting that, as I told myself in February, if I'll just start the task I'll do more than I realize.  I'm stepping out in faith, trusting that this is where I'm meant to be, knowing that John would be oh so proud of me, and claiming the promise stamped on the bracelet I've worn for the past month - I am enough.  

Wish me well...